


I Won't Last A Day Without You

by junakabisque



Category: Alice Nine
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junakabisque/pseuds/junakabisque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking of the fact that you will never see me anymore—not even in any situation—makes the wall I’ve built in my heart to protect me from any harm feeling break down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Won't Last A Day Without You

The white bed sheet, the stinging aroma of drugs, the sunlight that shines through the window; they all fill the room you’re currently in. I sit beside your bed, patiently waiting for you to tilt your head to me and ask me to feed you again. Your gaze seems so peaceful when you’re staring at the trees out there that are blown by the wind. Then finally, you tilt your head to me, leaning towards me and opening your mouth again eagerly. I smile so wide from ear to ear when I feed you. You smile back at me. 

“You look even better, Tora,” I say to you.

You swallow the porridge down your throat before you reply to my sentence, “...Nice lie, Saga.”

That’s the only thing you say. After you state that you’re full and want to go back to rest, I don’t have the heart to say no. I put the thin blanket that has the aroma of drugs that I hate so much over your body. It seems like even this sickening aroma, Tora, has contaminated you. Back then...you smelled so sweet, making me feel comfortable whenever I leant into you.

Soon after, you have fallen asleep. With a tugging feeling in my heart, I walk to the washroom. I lock myself up inside this room, which is not too spacey actually. Both of my hands grab the sink; as I am facing the quite large mirror that is planted into the wall in front of me. However, I would rather let my tears fall down than look at my own reflection. Only here I can freely cry, letting my sadness out without needing to be worried that you’ll see me in the most pathetic state. Besides, who on earth does want to see their loved ones cry? Let alone they cry because of you. 

I wipe my tears. It’s enough. I should not be crying like this. You have been trying your best to keep strong; haven’t you, Tora? If you can, why can’t I?

***

Today—like any other day—I come to the hospital to visit you again. In the room 483, you have been waiting for me since you woke up this morning. I just knew it; and it makes me smile.

I open the door to your room; a wide smile is formed on my lips. Your face that previously looked gloomy, within seconds seems to be brighter when you see me. Tora, do you know that I really love your expression right now? God only knows how long it has been since the last time I saw you smiling widely like this. The smile you’re wearing on your face at the moment comes from your heart; doesn’t it, Tora?

“You’ve finally come, Saga. I was so bored being alone in this place,” you say, somehow looking a bit sad.  
“I’m sorry, Tora. I was really busy today. Nao wanted me to finish my song immediately. Besides, there was also a photo shoot session today. Sorry...” I give you my reasons, feeling bad because I can’t keep accompanying you the whole time.

But you are so understanding. You nod and say that it’s not a big deal.

“So, how are Nao, Shou, and Hiroto? Did they do their jobs nicely?”  
“Yes. They miss you too, Tora. We all hope that you’ll get well soon.”

Next, I’ve been telling you what has happened today. I can feel your gaze on me and it seems like you’re unwilling to tear your eyes apart from me when I exchange the flowers in the vase with the fresh ones. After I’m done, I pull a chair towards your bed and sit on it. I put my hands above my lap, saying to you, “Tora, you will get well, won’t you?”

Every day, I always ask this one question to you. Are you bored with my question, Tora? Because this time, I see your facial expression stiffen after I gave you the question just a second ago. You bow your head then, staring at the white thin blanket that covers your abdomen.

“Saga...”  
“Yes?”  
“...Alice Nine without Tora...is not Alice Nine, is it?”  
“Why did you ask such question?” I ask you back, startled.  
“But I’m sure that even though I die, Alice Nine will still exist. What I’m worried about is you, Saga. If I die—”  
“Enough. I don’t want to hear any more of it,” I interrupt you, in an instant feeling the familiar sensation inside my stomach. The sensation that will emerge when you feel like to cry.

Being an honest person as you always are, you continue your sentence without thinking of my feeling, “...If I die, you will be okay; won’t you, Saga?”

I bite my lip so hard, until I think it will bleed. I can’t look at you in the eyes. Suddenly, you reach out to me, hugging me tightly. You whisper into my ear, “ _Zutto...aishiteru yo_ , Saga.”

I’m not supposed to cry, no matter how much I want to right at this moment. If I cried in front of you, you wouldn’t be happy. I knew it.

***

The string of my bass is broken, prickling my finger. Shou and Hiroto immediately look at me. I realise that my facial expression clearly tells them my anxiety. I can’t ignore the question that all of a sudden pops up in my mind, _‘What happened?’_

Not even care with my band mates’ shouts that are directed to me, I dash out from our practice studio. My heart beats faster, it hurts. One certain name keeps repeating in my head: Tora. Did something happen to him? If it’s true, is it a good thing? Oh, God. I really wish for the best now.

I keep running, running and running. The hospital where Tora is in now is indeed located not too far from PS Company central building. I bump into so many people during my short trip to the hospital. Most of them curse at me because I didn’t even stop to say sorry. I don’t care. There’s only one thing I care about at the moment. My beloved, Tora.

By the time I have finally arrived in front of your room, I halt. I have no clue as to why I feel like I can’t face so many possibilities that lie behind this door. I hold the door handle, but not opening it. Right at that time, a nurse runs towards me.

“Sakamoto-san, we have just informed your band manager. Amano-san—”

I lift my hand up as a sign so that she doesn’t have to finish her sentence. With my head bowing down, I open the door to your room at last. I don’t know or even care whether the nurse follows me entering your room or not. Slowly, I walk approaching your bed where you’re lying on. I stand beside it, holding your hand tightly, and forcing myself to smile.

“I have come, Tora.”

Only a silence that I get from you. Without noticing it, I pout my lips.

“Tora, you’re mean. Don’t joke around with me now. Come on, wake up. Open your eyes. Won’t you be happy to see me?”

My tears roll down my cheek, I can’t hold them back anymore when I see you stay still, unmoving even for a bit. Really, you are so mean, Tora. For months you’ve been hospitalised here, I always felt lonely when night came. I slept alone in our apartment. Now after I have come here for you, you still don’t want to wake up? 

The reality spins around, what’s left is denial. I let myself lie on your bed with you, holding you so tight like we’ve usually done back then. Your body feels so cold, I hug you even tighter.

“It has been so long since we held each other like this; right, Tora?”

These drops of tears betray me; keep falling down from my eyes. No matter how hard I try to keep strong, I can’t. The light of my life has been subdued. I always knew that you don’t like to see me cry. But now, you can’t see me, even though I am right here beside you. Thinking of the fact that you will never see me anymore—not even under any circumstance—makes the wall I’ve built in my heart to protect me from any harm feeling break down. I keep crying, crying, and crying while hugging your body that becomes colder like ice within every second.

I don’t even acknowledge the familiar voices that call out my name. I know that it’s _them_ , our three band mates: Shou, Hiroto, and Nao. They come to visit you, Tora. Aren’t you happy?

“Saga...Let him go. Tora has gone.”

I mentally laugh. Let you go? Where to? You are still here with me, in my embrace. Aren’t you, Tora?

“Nao, maybe it’ll be better if we leave them alone for a while.”

After that, there are only us. My beloved, Tora...and me

***

I’ve learned one thing: _denial is beautiful_. The day when you died, I denied the reality that obviously lay right before my eyes. Do you remember that, Tora? Two weeks have passed since your funeral. That day, I tried to be strong and let you go. No one knew that deep in my heart, I cried in misery. Not even one...

Now, I am kneeling beside your grave. I put a bouquet of flowers above it, tracing my fingers on your gravestone. Below this gravestone, your love that is so enormous for me has been buried deep underground as well. So deep...

You once asked me that if you died, would I be okay? Do you want to know the answer, Tora? The answer is...no. I will not be okay. How will you live your days after you lost someone that means so much to you? Someone that you really love? How, Tora? People around me told me to keep strong. They don’t understand what I feel. Not at all...

Unable to hold back my tears any longer, I cry while hugging your gravestone. Why did you leave me, Tora? Why didn’t you bring me with you? Can’t you hear me mourning for you? I have lost you and I can’t accept that fact; do you know that, Tora?

I have no idea how long I’ve cried. I feel tired. My sight is blurred. Then, everything goes black...

***

Hiroto was staring at the unmoving body that lay on the bed, inside the ICU room. Various tubes were attached to that body, supporting it to keep alive.

“Shou...”

Shou, who had been standing next to Hiroto, then turned his head to the youngest member of Alice Nine.

“Yes, Hiroto?”  
“Will Saga...ever wake up?”

Shou didn’t answer Hiroto’s question; to be exact, he couldn’t. Nao, who was standing on Hiroto’s other side, then spoke with a sad voice, “Whether or not he will wake up; it all depends on Saga himself, Hiroto.”

“Nao, please explain to us. You’re the one who found him _that day_ , lying on the ground and hugging Tora’s gravestone, unconscious. What precisely happened to Saga? This is not just the usual comatose, right?” asked Hiroto to Nao.

Both Hiroto and Shou looked at Nao, expecting a certainty. Nao heaved a sigh before finally he spoke again, “ _Catatonic_. A condition wherein somebody collapses into comatose state and loses their wills to keep alive and will not wake up unless...”

“Unless...?” asked Hiroto and Shou in unison.  
“...Unless they want to. That’s what Saga is going through now.”

Hiroto couldn’t believe in what he had just heard. He leant into Shou who was taller than he was. Shou then wrapped his arms around Hiroto.

“Is there anything we can do, Nao?” asked Hiroto again.

Nao lowered his head and then shook it. Hiroto couldn’t stand it anymore. He turned around and cried against Shou’s chest. Whilst Shou was calming him down, Nao stepped forward to the glass wall that separated them from Saga.

_Wake up, Saga. We’re all here waiting for you..._

 

****

-END OF STORY-

**Author's Note:**

> Find this story also [on LiveJournal](http://junakabisque.livejournal.com/10751.html).


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